I’ve come to a mountain on my pilgrimage. It’s named Mount Wavering Faith. It looms before me so that it’s all I can see. I’ve heard of it before, but thought surely I’ll never face it. I’ve blindly followed a winding path of pride, rebellion, sorrow and regret, right to the very foot of it. Will climbing it, and getting to the other side, lead to a surety of what I say I believe? I want it to. But I fear what awaits. What if I crest the top and find there is nothing to find? That thought leaves me in a fog of defeat and despair.
Have you been to this mountain before?
Maybe you’re there now?
You’re not alone. *Do not be afraid do not be discouraged…
As I stare up at Wavering Faith, I feel it’s weight deep inside. I drop to my knees, and rest my head on the foot of that mountain. Slowly a gentle stirring begins in my spirit.
I feel You here! Even here Lord in this shadow of Wavering Faith. May I curl up at Your feet and stay all day? I need Your rest. I don’t want to deal with the world today. It’s hurtful and crazy and sad. I feel like I can’t cope anymore Jesus. I can’t help my hurting loved ones. I can’t turn hardening hearts from Satan’s lies. I want to force them to know Your truth. *But that’s not Your way is it Lord?
I want to lay here in Your presence and pitch a fit as You wipe tears from my eyes. I want to feel the release that being alone with You provides. I’m tired Lord. I’m tired of standing up when all I want to do is fall. I’m tired of waiting for something to happen, when I don’t know what that something is. My soul is restless and not at peace. I want to understand what troubles me so. God forgive me, but, I have moments when I fear that I’ve fooled myself into believing I’m saved. I fear there are parts of my heart that You want, yet I won’t let You have. Maybe because I fear Your power in me. Maybe the real fear is that I’ll call on that power, and it won’t be there. Maybe, Jesus, I don’t believe at all. Then what God? What salvation is left for me if I can’t feel my faith? Or trust? I read Your Word and find myself seeing it with the eyes of an unbeliever. Your being is incredible. It’s so big how can I hope to absorb it? And I’ve been a Christian for decades. Haven’t I? How have I come to this barren place?
Aside from day dreams Lord, I can’t recall ever longing to be any particular thing. Other than what I wasn’t. Always leaping and grasping for stars that weren’t mine to shine.
Since giving my life to You I’ve longed to find and fulfill a calling. Surely I’m meant for something? *Your Word tells me it is to be a Christian and to represent You well. I found solace in that for awhile. Now, in my failures, even that feels shaken. Oh God, if I’m being refined for something here in this valley, reveal it to me. I know you’ve freed me from the bondage of my mistakes, my sins. Still my heart so that I can feel You working. Stay my mind to keep it from searching for signs that just aren’t there. Forgive me for trying to take matters into my own hands. *Now God grant me the kind of faith, not to climb this mountain, but to make it move! Then grant me the patience to wait as You reveal the path it has concealed. *Restore to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me. Thank you for calming me as only You can do.
In Jesus Name amen.