Is anyone really “all that”? I’ve tried it but didn’t have the experience or knowledge to pull it off. At one point in my life I was torn down, stripped bare and left pridefully fraudulent. It’s taken years to, if not get over it, at least move forward. I don’t feel numb or useless anymore. I’ve been waiting to see if God will ever use me for anything again. I’ve botched up so many times that I fear He’s done with me. I want to do something I just don’t know what. My dreams of playing piano, singing, leading, teaching and writing are just that. Dreams. I’ve not put in the time nor had the training to qualify for any of it. Nothing unique here. Just getting older and feeling more stuck. The gifts God graced me with aren’t the shiny, “look at me” variety. I’ve known all along they’re quite the opposite. I just didn’t want to use those. I wanted the spotlight.
Years ago I took piano for a bit and thought the rest would come from above, I’d be the church music leader. Later on in life I was asked to sing on a praise team. Surely the preacher knew my limitations…he’d heard me in the choir?? I took a few vocal lessons and thought I’d shine like a star. A little later on and a few compliments on my writing I decided, finally, this is it! I took a few online writing courses and, well, you be the judge. My punctuation is atrocious.
You see, a midst my list of recoveries, I’m a recovering people pleaser. Some years ago I landed in several consecutive situations. Walked right into them I should say; knowing…knowing…I was unqualified. I unfairly sought assurances from people because I had zero confidence in my abilities. The lack of confidence was generated from the lack of ability. Duh. Regardless I allowed myself to be caught up in the flattery of having been asked to do something and took off running with it. Like a child running with a knife in her hand. I eventually tripped and fell, the wound was deep but not fatal. From that point on I’ve grappled for a place to serve in the Church. Trying this, and trying that, with no true idea of what I was supposed to be doing. Yearning and straining to see what God was calling me to do. I’ve only recently discovered He’s not calling me to do anything. Period. No great agenda. No followers. No one seeking ME out for MY greatness. This was the massive boulder called pride that tripped me up. Being more concerned with what people thought. Trying to be “all that.” I’ve beat myself to pieces chasing dreams that weren’t mine to chase. I’ve not done the time. I simply don’t have the skill, passion or drive it takes to succeed in these grand professions. It feels good to publicly confess this. Great actually!
About a year ago in an online Bible study, the following passage from 1 Peter came up. God revealed something to me for the first time that has been life altering.
1 Peter 2:9, 10
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called (emp. mine) you out of the darkness into His wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.”
My calling is to be a Christian. Yep, just me being a Jesus girl. All God has ever called me to be is His own daughter and that through His mercy. I’ve been in training sense I walked down the center aisle of my grandmothers little country church many years ago. I’ve fallen off the wagon and climbed back on so many times. You can take the wagon saying as liberally as you want, I had a whole wagon train. But here I am. Alive and well. Figuring out all I need to do is be the best person I can be, and that through Christ’s strength. Loving my God and my Savior Jesus with *“all my heart, all of my soul, all of my strength and all of my mind.” I’m loving my husband with a brand new appreciation and my family and friends. I strive to be the best I can be. I will strive to carry what I know about Jesus out into the world in hopes that His light will pour through my words and actions. In hopes that people won’t see me at all but Him who saved me. And that my friends is shiny enough.
*click to see passage of Scripture