Inner anguish, physical pain,
Pillar crumbled under the strain.
Where she is, no happenstance.
So hard to explain.
The venom she spews isn’t poison,
It’s only there to keep her safe,
Locked in a world where she sets the pace.
Years lost, life stolen,
Age a factor,
Not so golden.
Those who surround this soul of thorns,
Often find their feelings torn.
How can love be reaching out,
Let it in! Hearts plead and shout.
I’m obsessed with time now that I’m fifty something. I think we can all agree that it is a fleeting and precious commodity. It can be fickle too. We want it to pass quickly only when we or someone we love is going through something awful. We catch ourselves thinking I wish some time would go by so this would be behind us. Before we know it, it has. The thing from which we begged release has turned into the past. A new scar or a badge of triumph or both.
Alcoholism and co-dependency run in my family. Battling my own addictions is the only time I remember living in just one moment at a time. I couldn’t think beyond the second I was living in. To do so meant I was looking forward to a life with out my poison. Who was I with out it? What do I do now with out it? I’d stand before my soul mirror and see the reflection that Christ shone back at me. I saw an empty shell staring back. Me. Shame and remorse flooding every waking second. I remember wishing someone could see inside my heart. Could see and even feel what was happening to me. It would be a few years after the physical addictions faded before I realized something. I’d become addicted to the commiseration of caring people. I was literally starved for affirmation and acceptance. I couldn’t understand why people couldn’t see that. I saw rejection where there was none…it’s what I did. Then I’d retreat, withdraw and feel like giving up. Now thank goodness I realize God is the only one I have to please. That is the relationship I must seek and strive to maintain, He’s the only one worthy of such dedication. God loves me! He adopted ME! I regret the time I’ve spent on relationships that were hard and impossible. I ache for the time I spent away from those that were easy and meaningful.
Looking back on that time I truly do see just one set of footprints. I wasn’t alone. When I cried, “dear Jesus come and heal my broken spirit!” He did. Oh the glory of being able to look back now from this side of the mess that was my life! I can never thank Him enough. Life is a journey. We each have to walk through it and make decisions that will determine our future. It’s a process of learning and growing. We can’t look back, only forward. Only forward! My past is just that. There is more for me to accomplish. God promises forgiveness through Jesus Christ, but as I’ve learned, there is fall out from my poor choices. Consequence’s I live. Some I bear willingly, others are excruciating. I want so desperately to have a “do-over” so I can fix it. The weight of being responsible, heavy. I’ve given the Lord an account of my failures. I prayerfully seek guidance now in trying to steer from danger what was in my wake back then.
The only thing I know for sure is that operating in the will of God will see me to the end of my mahalak. Are you or a loved one going through trials? Physical, spiritual, mental…the list does go on doesn’t it? The first step is always the hardest. If it’s you, find someone you trust today. A friend or family member someone who loves you with out fail. Tell them your story. Let them in and let them help. It truly is not possible for people to know your heart if you can’t share it. I know it’s hard. If it’s not you, but someone you love who’s struggling let them know you’re around. Let them know you’ll listen with out judgment. Don’t be hurt if they send you packing. They’ve heard you. They’re just not ready to listen to you.
God loves you. He sees us all. Let Him guide those who attempt to reach out. Let Him remove the heart barricades of those addicted. Let Him cover their scars, like mine, with patches of victory!
Victory in Jesus
( vs 2 and chorus of Hymn)
I heard about His healing, of his cleansing pow’r revealing,
How He made the lame to walk again and caused the blind to see;
And then I cried dear Jesus, come and heal my broken spirit,”
And somehow Jesus came and bro’t to me the victory!
Oh victory in Jesus, my Savior, forever,
He sought me and bought me with His redeeming blood;
He loved me ere I knew Him, and all my love is due Him,
He plunged me to victory beneath His cleansing flood.
E. M. Bartlett