19 My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back,20 let him know that]he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
James 5:19-20 (NASB)
A past riddled with mistakes. Regrets. Those who say they have none make me wonder. If it’s true they’ve earned my envy when I suppose I should be over the moon for them. Had I stayed the Christian course throughout my entire life would things be vastly different in the here and now? Any Christian will tell you that this walk doesn’t guarantee a sting free existence. If anything Satan tries all the harder to run us through.
The poison arrows throbbing in my heart come from some I love wholeheartedly. Some I’ve loved for all of my life, others came later. The fact that these arrows were dipped into poison that I dripped…unconscionable. Breath robbing. I accept their rejection, sadder still, I understand it. It’s that part that gores so deep. I’ve striven to be understanding…to the point of allowing myself to be tossed from lives I cherish. Too late I see I did no one a good turn by keeping the boat from rocking. I held the Life Preserver on my tongue as they flailed in the water. I tried tossing it…did I try hard enough? Should I have demanded more of people earlier in life? Said what I felt regardless of who it angered or alienated? I will never know. I cling to the fantasy that God silenced my words so I wouldn’t sever threads of communication. Otherwise, my burden is too great to bear.
Have I become capable of dulling my senses?
Killing awareness of my heart losses and the role I played in them?
Have I mastered superficial indifference? I fear not.
I’m inside looking out.
A giant chasm between me and loved ones.
Standing on the edge, reaching out but never able to touch,
Longing for restoration,
Needing to be wanted, wanting to be needed.
Those that should love don’t and those that shouldn’t do.
Wishing with all my soul I could go back and be better.
Never taking one second for granted.
Building up, not tearing down, no matter the intent.
Experiencing, appreciating, loving, nurturing…leaving Godly legacy.
One weight I carried saved me, but not changed.
I could barely shoulder it; I dropped it before it was ready to be set down.
Did I destroy it? My heart aches with the need to rescue it but I can’t.
In the wake of finding my Salvation I left chaos;
I long to go back and pick up the scattered pieces of me that I devastated.
Scattered fragments of hearts that I wasn’t there for,
Hearts that depended me.
How can I bear the weight of my joy in Christ
When my stepping stones were precious, costly jewels?
Lord that I could pull them from my trodden path and offer them up to You.
You can resurface them…You can cleanse them;
You alone can remove my footprints and make them shine.
Had I known God’s word then, like now, surly, the fall out worse?
Then the actions blasphemous, rebellious? Do I count yesteryears ignorance a blessing?
Why must some come to soul killing blows before we allow Jesus access?
No answers come.
God breathe life into the gems I helped bury in the mud and mire.
Let the Son hit every facet, set ablaze yearning desire for Your healing touch.
Thank You for forgiving my sin of silence; it has screamed louder than any.
This, my heart wrenching regret.
Do you have friends, coworkers or loved ones that are lost? Maybe they’ve strayed from the Truth? Stand ready to be silent no more. Arm yourselves with God’s armor and tell your Salvation story. Seek the lost, sow the seed, share the Lord.