“In my anguish I cried to the Lord and he answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5 (NIV 1984)
I was a sailboat without wind in its sail, drifting in my sea of confusion and hurt. Bobbing along, waiting for a gust to carry me to a shore that was nowhere in sight.
I never felt like I held a grudge…but maybe I did. Until now. My formative years were lacking which led into an adulthood that was unstable but it hasn’t destroyed me. (Psalm 129:2) I’ve been through abandonment issues, substance abuse and physical abuse. I’ve grieved my lack of mothering skills ad nauseam. I learned that I could be as addicted to sympathy as to that from which I’ve been freed. Alcoholics and drug addicts have to learn how to live sober and straight. Victims of neglect and abuse have to learn to live lives unafraid and worthy of love. It’s so much easier said than done. But it’s ok to be free of it. It’s ok to be happy, God wants that for us! I’m praying for myself and the hearts that read these words to fully forgive the wrongs of the past. And to forgive ourselves for our own misdeeds.
I believe there comes a time when we have to accept that we’ve been put back together. We need to learn to live in the healed state of brokenness. I’ve been under the misconception that being a Christian would somehow wipe my past away, like I’d never been broken. It has taken years to realize that’s not how it works. Yes, I’ve been completely forgiven, my sins forgotten by God’s grace and He is working in me daily. But I’ve been searching for that shining moment when I’d know my calling. My grand calling and felt lacking when it wouldn’t come. I finally understand that being a Christian IS my calling. It was me making the choice to answer the call to come out of the darkness and into His perfect light! (1 Peter 2:9)
I am living a changed life…I do desire to draw ever closer to God and I have used talents in service to Him! I’m not perfect nor will I ever be, I’m a mess most days. I have the scars to prove that and I’m battle weary to the bone. So why is living healed so hard? Why do we hold on to that which seeks to destroy? Because Satan prowls around trying to destroy our peace. (1 Peter 5:8)
My scars and your scars will always remain. They’re wounds that are healed and tell our story. Don’t try to hide them else you give them back their power of pain. Scars remind us of where we’ve been and how far we’ve come, but they no longer hurt! We’re free, through Christ who strengthens us, to live free of pain and despair. (Philippians 4:13)
Two weeks ago I started an online Bible study through Proverbs 31 titled, “The Mended Heart” by Suzie Eller. Through this study I’ve had some soul reviving revelations. The fact is that my brokenness led me to my life in Christ. I’m on the other side now. I don’t miss it and certainly don’t want it back. But now I know who I am without it. I’m a daughter of the King, transformed from victim to victor, from follower to leader. There is something more for me when I finally run aground, my sea of despair now looks like waves of opportunity and I do believe I see land just ahead…praise God!